Bittersweet

Most certainly a day of rest here.  A good nights' sleep, a graduation ceremony, lunch with good friends washed down by some tasty beverages, had a nap, then went to the graduation party for a while.  Stopped at Sonic for a free slushy and some munchies on the way home.  9:00pm and now we just kick back.

Its good to be busy, but sometimes we just need rest.  It's been a busy week filled with meetings, projects and social gatherings.  As this day drew near, I welcomed the opportunity to kick back and enjoy the weather with some close friends.  I tried to rest, and I suppose my body did that just fine.  But my mind not so much.  Its easy when we are busy to just focus on getting through the "list" of things that keeps us occupied.  But now that my mind is free to roam, I'm forced to face some very tough issues that have surfaced in my life.  I'd much rather take the cowards way out, and just go distract myself.

To be honest, I'm scared.  I'm pretty weak right now, my self-esteem has taken some solid blows to the chin, and I need to make some significant adjustments to the way that I've been living my life.  I'd like to run from this, but I know that's not the right decision. 

Judges 6:12       ... "the LORD is with you, mighty warrior"

Desparation

Anger.

     Who am I, that I must take the blame for everything?  Humbly I accept the accusations thrown upon me as legitimate evidence of my own humanity.  I am very much aware that there is no end to my list of shortcomings, the reminders are not completely neccessary.  Still, the bitterness and anger of yesterday threatens to destroy the progress of today.

     Completely numb to emotion, I sit.  I wonder: certainly this cant be the life you've called me to?  I know you intended so much more, and yet I want to hide from this current reality.  Is this what you've called me to?  I don't think so. 

     Where are you!?!?  You promised you'd be with me!  So why can't I see you?  Why can't I hear you?  You've delivered me so many times before, and now you hold out on me?!?!  This is not your intent!  It never was!  Why then must I endure such hardship as your child?  You PROMISED!! You said that if I just had faith, that you would come to my rescue!  Well here I am!  No longer just treading the water, but swimming hard towards the place where I last saw you.  Dont abandon me now, I need you more than ever!  Faithful one, have mercy upon me! 


Psalm 34:17  When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.

EXPOSED!!!

Such a filthy feeling.
                                                                                     
                                                                                                        So much disgust.



To take a part of myself and hide it in the deepest, darkest corner of my basement.  MY basement- the one where no one ever goes, and if by chance they do, I am on guard.


To not be known...

                                                                                           To not be FULLY known.



                                                        How Revealing!!!


So much shame, so much self-loathing...

                                                                                                      how embarassing!

To call myself a Christian and claim freedom, while being held captive to this secret.




                                                         How Marvelous!

     To know God, and be known by God.

                                                      and how arrogant...

to think that he has no clue what I have done.



     In that deepest, darkest corner of my basement lies a secret.  And within that secret, the key to my heart.  That one thing that keeps the last little piece of me separated from God.  My idol.


                                                      I MUST change.

      Nothing compares to Gods glory, and I know because I've seen it.  I saw it on the day that it was resonating from within me, and it was great.



And now, here I am...


                                                                                                        hiding in this garden


                                        
                                                  Terrified of my nakedness before him 


Ps 51:10 - Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.